Invisible Mom

Sound the trumpets!!!

2006-08-04T20:04:00.000-07:00

I got DH to go swimming with me and the girls in a Public Pool! Something I can count on one hand I think. He HATES swimming. The girls LOVE swimming, and so do I. So it is always a bit of a bummer because we would all love to just go spend the day in the sand and surf (HA! We live in Illinois...maybe Magic Rivers water park), and it would literally KILL Dh to do that.

So today I suggested that after dinner we go swimming at the Y. I was able to get us a membership, and so we all went. Dh went begrudgingly, but we talked about how it would be a good thing to do as a family, and it wouldn't cost us anything.

The girls had so much fun, and for a couple of hours I felt like a normal family while we played and splashed in the pool. But then it came time to get ready to go. It took DH awhile to get out of the pool, not because it was inaccessible. They had a nice ladder/step thingy that was easy to get in and out of, but because of DH's size, it just takes him a long time to move anywhere. We used the family locker room, where DH dressed himself and then just sat. While I dressed myself and the other two little girls. That is how it always is. He had to sit because he was just too tired to move, and it is hard to wrestle two wriggly little girls into clothes and to bathe them when he is as big as he is.

It is getting worse it seems sometimes by the week even. He can do less and less, or it takes him longer to do it. I can't even imagine trying to move 450+ lbs around every day. I feel so sad for him, and I worry so much. I love the man beyond belief, and my heart just aches knowing that the man he is is burried somewhere deep inside there. But then I also get frustrated. I get frustrated because he move so slow. I get frustrated because he has a hard time helping me with the girls. I am so torn between frustration and anger at him for being this way, and for undying love and support and just loving him the way he is.

He has his sleep study for the bariatric surgery this week. I don't know what other tests he has to do, but I gather there are lots of them. And rightly so. There are so many risks involved. But I'm afraid that give him another 2 years, and he will be an invalid. And unable to walk or move, or drive a car. I pray pray pray that DH goes through with this surgery. I am ready to have my husband back.

On other news, I enrolled the girls in school today. I was overall impressed with the staff I met from the girls' school. I met the Secretary and her assistant, and was told to call to make an appointment to come in and show the girls' around. I met the school nurse, who was so kind as well. They had me fill out a form telling the nurse about the girls and any health concerns I had. I was very pleased that she did not just pacify me with my writings about Erin. Erin has a sensitive stomach, in the fact if she gets stressed, nervous or overly anxious, it develops into a tummy ache, sometimes involving IBS symptoms (stomach cramps/diahrea etc.). She also gets the IBS symptoms when she eats things heavy with cheese or cream type products, much the same as me. The nurse asked if they needed to restrict her cheese, and I told her that Erin did a pretty good job of that herself, but if she did start to complain about her stomach, the first thing I would check is what she had to eat that day.

So then the nurse asked what we usually did about the nervous/anxious stomach. And I just said, if at all possible, let her lie down by herself for a few minutes, give her a little extra love and encouragement, and most of the time that makes it feel better. And the nurse said, that was absolutely fine to do. I was amazed. She seemed to be so supportive of that in her. I hope so, as our previous school nurse didn't like it when Erin had tummy aches, which often just made the anxiety worse.

I am also going to have Erin's speech evaluated. She says her 'S' funny and has a really hard time pronouncing other words. It is almost like she doesn't have the whole tongue thrust down. I had her evaluated in Kindy and at that time they said not to worry about it. I figure now is as good of time to have it re-evaluated as I can just tell her that it is something they wanted to test on her because she was new to the school, and she may never know anything different.

I also spoke to the nurse about Elise's asthma, and all that is set up fine with her inhaler. And I didn't have any problems dealing with enrolling her into the 2nd grade instead of the 1st. I thought maybe that might be a difficult venture for us.

But...of course there has to be a but right???

Then came time to get them signed up for the busses. Keep in mind I'm already pretty hacked off at the bussing company. Now come to find out that the siblings aren't allowed to ride together on the same bus. 2nd graders ride together, and 3rd graders ride together. (I need a WTF icon right here). So now they'll arrive at our shuttle school that is nearly a mile from my house, on 2 seperate busses, that I'll need to keep track of and try to find them both. When I inquired about if they can ride the same bus, I was told yes, they can, but only if the bus isn't full. So when will they know if a bus isn't full? Not until that day. Ummm.. so what am I supposed to tell my kids, wait together to see if a bus is full and if not ride together, and if so then you have to ride seperate. So they are just going to have to ride seperate. That is the least confusing option out there, but I'm not happy about it AT ALL.

Whoever is in charge of this bussing company and setting up the guidelines has to be the most assinine person in the world, and obviously has never had children. I laughed at the comment in the bus rules and guidelines where they state their #1 priority is a child's safety. Well if that was the case, they would allow siblings to ride together, and to not have to walk nearly a mile to catch a bus for a school way across town.

It was rather a banner day though, as the other reason to sound the trumpets, is I received a phone call from the owner of Elise's Dance studio. They are going to reduce our 6 week tuition payments in 1/2 if we will let Elise be on all 3 dance teams. We had previously discussed that she wouldn't be able to do all 3 teams, as we just couldn't afford it, and she'd have to decide. So when we told her teacher that she was only going to do one team and tumbling (she REALLY wants to do tumbling), because we couldn't afford all the other stuff, the teacher and the owner got together and set this up. I was told it was because Elise LOVES to be there, she loves to dance, and it shows. She works hard, and has a good attitude. Her teacher said you can just tell Elise has dancing from the tip of the last hair on her head to the very tip of her toes. And that is so true. An angel was watching out for my dancing fool Elise today, and helped us to be able to provide her with something that truly makes her heart sing.

Today I cried

2006-08-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't cried like this in a long time. And I can't really say it was just crying. I sobbed...I wept. I just couldn't hold it together anymore. The weight of the world is just too big for my shoulders today.

Today, I gave up my fight with the school district for assistance with bussing the girls to school. After a very rude and condescending conversation with the manager of the bussing company (whatever made me think that the manager of a bussing company, that happened to be female, and whose first name happened to be Kieran rather than Mardge would be a tad bit understanding is beyond me). Apperantly according to her, it is obsurd for me to feel like it is too far of a walk for children to go to school from our neighborhood. I'm not even saying just MY kids. I don't feel ANYONE's children should be walking that far. I'm quite upset over my conversation with her, and the lack of response by the school superintendant, and the regional superintendant regarding the safety of children.

After much research last night on the topic I realized I was fighting a losing battle. I don't like losing.I don't like the fact that I am forced to chose between the safety of my children and our financial well-being. I am left with a few choices.

The first is to allow them to walk to the neighborhood school to catch the bus to the school they attend across town. I can walk them to and from with all the daycare kids in tow (Up to 6 potentially under the age of 5) in addition to Erin and Elise. In the afternoon, I will need to wake the kids from nap, bundle them up, and walk to meet the girls on the way back.
The second would be to let go of two full time daycare kids. That would allow me only at most 2 additional children and reduce my income by half. Then I could spend $3+ for a gallon of gas every day to drive the kids to and from school.
The third would be to enroll them in a before and afterschool program and pay someone else to take care of them and transport them back and forth. Essentially this has the same effect as option #2 and reduces my overall income by half, and defeats the purpose of staying home in the first place.
The forth option is to home school them at home, and I just don't think I have it in me to do that. I don't think they would learn well from me, and I think they need the social interaction of a school.

I have investigated parochial school as well, but we just can't afford it, and it doesn't help the bussing situation. They would still have to walk.

I had another company in to give me an estimate on fixing our basement problem. Still at approx. $7300. DH is supposed to call the previous owner tomorrow so we can get our big fat laugh in our face out of the way so that we can start the lawsuit process. I doubt I'll be pleasantly surprised, as we just don't have that kind of luck.

I am just so upset and frustrated. I love this house. But nothing is working the way it was supposed to work. This was supposed to be perfect. It was supposed to be perfect for daycare, but it will probably be at least another year before we can move to the basement. It was supposed to be perfect for the girls...again, they now have to share their space with daycare kids, and have a dangerous transportation issue with school. And I have been having non-payment issues with parents at daycare making paying the mortgage even a challenge. This was NOT how it was supposed to be.

It was not how it was supposed to be.

Catch 22

2006-08-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

Catch 22. You know the whole Damned if you do Damned if you don't? I've been battling the school district and the district bus barn over the transportation of my children to and from school. And getting no where.

Before we bought this house, I called and we were told that yes, there was a bus stop on the corner. That was fine. Well, the district has now informed me that if you live within a mile and a half of a school transportation center, you are responsible for getting your own children to and from school. Do you REALIZE how far a mile and a half is for a 2nd and a 3rd grader? Not to mention potentially kindergartners would also fall in this requirement.

We live .8 miles from a transportation center. It is the Kindergarten school where the girls would catch a bus to drive all the way across town to go to school. It is either that or I have to drive them to and from school. What's the problem? Surely lots of other parents also fall into this category and drive it all the time. My problem is for me it isn't just packing up my clan of 4 children twice a day and making the trip to pick them up or drop them off. It is the fact that I am responsible for the safety, care, and well-being of 3-4 additional children during this time as well.

These 3-4 additional children then make it impossible for me to take my children to school or to pick them up in the afternoon without having to drive illegally with one or more of the children not properly restrained in their own seat in the car. (Which don't freak...that IS NOT even an option or up for consideration). Not to mention, school dismisses at 2:15. Nap time here goes until every bit of 2:30. So now not only would I be driving with too many kids in the car, they'd all be crabby and screaming because they didn't get a long enough nap.

So I don't know what to do. I spoke with the superintendant after I spoke with the Bus Barn. The bus Barn told me I had to go through the superintendant. The Superintendant reviewed it and told me to call the bus barn back and ask them if they would make an arrangement and if they would it would be OK by him, but it was up to them in the long run. (To me, sounds like a big deflating NO). So I call the YMCA to see about after school care. I think I can manage the morning for the most part between me and DH going to work a bit later. It is $118.50 a week for them to go to after school care. At that point I might as well give up at least 1 and 1/2 of the kids I take care of and lose the income that way rather than pay someone.

Ok, so I check out the childcare assistance program in the state as we surely probably still qualify for a little help anyway. Nope, because I work at home, I am not eligable. But if I went to work somewhere else and put all 4 of my kids in someone else's care I would be. Catch 22. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

I just don't know what else to do. I am stuck. We have a sexual offender that lives over the next block (towards the school) and up two houses. We have been informed by a neighbor that a child was killed approx. 10 years ago on the street that the kids would be walking on. So I am going to go and research that a bit to see if that actually happened. And then I figure all else fails, I'm going walking door to door asking what others do and if they'd like to petition for a change in the bussing policy.

So now what. Now what do I do? Do I shut down the daycare so I can drive my kids back and forth? Do I shut down daycare, find a job I don't want to be doing so that I can qualify for childcare assistance that would enable me to enroll my children in the Y afterschool program that provides transportation. This just so sucks. But all I know is my kids are NOT walking to or from school. If that means I have to home school them (God forbid - NO Offense meant for anyone that home schools. I just don't have it in me to be a good teacher to them. I would fail miserably at it).

Welcome to my pity party...Did you bring cake?

2006-07-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

Ok..get ready to run for cover. This is an entire pity party poor me post just so I can get it off my mind and be done with it. So grab your party hat, a beer, and the hot guy sitting in the corner, and settle in.

Remember my money pit? Please pray for me that the new sewer issue that has arose is not a pipe break or something like that. I sent Erin down to do a load of laundry on Monday, and she says, "Mom - There's water all over the floor". So I go down there and the basement drain is overflowing and backing up. Lovely. Just lovely. So I do research online about it, and it is most likely a tree root that has blocked a pipe or possibly the pipe has deteriorated/collapsed etc. on the way to the sewer, at which point it is our responsibility to fix. I'm scared to death that it is the later of the two, as while we have huge trees in our backyard, we have none in the front that lead to the main city sewer. Of course, I can't get a plumber out here until Friday to tell me the damage, and in the meantime, it continues to drain, and then back up, and then drain. Fortunately for the most part right now, it appears to be clean water (or relatively).

I have contacted a lawyer about our basement water problem, and meet with her on Monday to discuss our options and if she really thinks we have a fighting chance and getting a bloody red nickel out of the weasel previous owners. I'm not holding my breath, but at least the initial consultation is free, and I have learned my lesson. I am from now on hiring a "family" lawyer and anything questionably close to having any legal ramifications will now be run through that person.

Elise is mad at us because we spoke to her dance teacher about what dance teams to put her on, as we could only afford to do 2 of them. She said without a doubt to do Mini Jazz and Mini Tap. Elise is mad, because she wanted to do production team instead of Mini Tap. That is fine, she can be mad.

I spoke with the superintendant of schools here today. He drove by our house to check out the "hazardousness" of the kids' walk to school. Right now, Erin and Elise have to walk .8 miles to the nearest school, and then catch a bus to their school across town. I am not happy about that as there are no sidewalks on their way to school, and the superintendant says he has to follow a checklist and submit it to the ROE and our location would not meet the criteria. So now I have to figure out how I'm going to pack up 8 kids (daycare kids included) into a mini-van that seats 7 including the driver, and take kids too school, and then to be back to pick them up right in the middle of nap time. I am furious. I would NEVER EVER let any children walk that far ever unattendended, much less to school, when their is extra traffic, potential bullies, and possibilities for bad weather. I'm not sure what my other options are, but expecting a 5 year old kindergartner (I have 2 daycare children that age going to school) to walk that distance is ubsurd.

So because of the above issue, I made a phone call to the parochial schools to investigate our options of sending the girls there. But I am positive that would be contingent on us qualifying for some sort of financial assistance. I"m not sure we would at this point.

I also called to see about getting Erica into Head Start. Well, because our family of 6 makes over $27K a year (whoever can raise a family of 6 on that amount is amazing anyway), unless Erica has a disability, she can't go. I figured that already. There are no other options for pre-schools that provide transportation. Another preschool I called was $1600 for 9 months of preschool. For 3 hours twice a week. OMG...I about died! I think I might investigate opening up a preschool.

Umm...what else.

Oh, I just had 2 new daycare boys start last week. They will not make my 2 week trial period cut off. I have never in my life seen two boys behave so horribly. They just completely ignore me, pretty much no matter what I do with them. They try to do what they want, when they want, and have no regard at all for the other children. They are rude, and very agressive. So I'm running an add in the paper AGAIN, to try to fill the spots before the two week trial period is up, so I can let them go. I will be bald probably by the end of that two weeks from ripping my hair out, but still.

I have had a daycare parent stiff me... to the tune of $400. I will never again be lenient with payment arrangements. They pay me on time or their child doesn't come the next week.

I know there's more. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now, with life, and I just got an e-mail that E-bay is increasing store listings by 6% in the next month. I am going to have to figure out another venue, as E-bay already eats way to many of my fees.

Maybe a wake up call?

2006-07-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today, Mike (DH) had a consultation appointment with a bariatric surgery specialist. I think it opened his eyes a bit to the fact that there is no quick fix to his morbid obesity problem. I found out today his weight is well over 400 lbs. The heaviest he has ever been in his life, and it is severely affecting our life together.

We barely fit in a queen size bed together, and our sex life is near impossible. He can't move, he can't bend over. It is getting very close to the point of him not being able to put on his socks, not to mention several other very necessary, yet very personal grooming tasks, are getting very difficult if not impossible. I know I am his wife, and I am to be there through thick and through thin, but there are just some things, I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do to help take care of the man. It is an obvious and very serious health issue for him now. My greatest fear is that I will wake up one morning, and he'll be lying next to me in bed, and be gone...forever. I am terrified to find him dead...next to me. It would crush me beyond words.

So anyway, He has this appointment. I am very proud of him, he made the appointment, and then went all on his own accord. But I think he was a bit taken aback that they told him that just the diagnostic process, and the preparation for this surgery would take at least a year. I really think that he thought he could go in there, and then have surgery just a few short weeks later. He was also a bit amazed by the fact of the work that will go into taking care of himself properly after the fact. And that it wasn't going to be just as simple as him not eating as much because his stomach was banded.

So tonite, over dinner, he discussed that he had to do an old fashioned weight loss plan. What that is I don't know, but I will support him in anyway I can. I am just hoping that this appointment today opened his eyes to the fact that this is going to take work and that he has to want it. I love that man dearly...I just want him back... I want my laughing, smiling, happy husband back. He has been gone way too long.

If you are buying a house, INSPECT everything!

2006-07-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

So I had Mike K. over to the house today, from a basement waterproofing type company. A little on the arrogant cocky order, but what can you expect from a salesman right? He looks at my basement and we sit down through this presentation he has (lots of bells and whistles), and I must admit what he has is impressive.

Essentially, to "fix" my water issue, it will take jackhammering all around the perimeter of my basement, and installing a drain system to the new state of the art sump pump to drain the water out of my basement. Then we also need to include a dehumidifier/air treatment system to dry out the air and remove the mold spores from this house. Final price tag: $9,090

Umm...where am I going to get that?

Well, I'm going to start of by investigating the option of suing the people who sold the house to me. Who did not disclose that the basement took on a little seepage. The people who I am sure strategically placed furniture items (i.e. shelves, dressers, desks) in key places to "hide" water damage - (and here we thought they were being nice). However, I have recently discovered new lumber in the basement. Some nice 1 x 6' s used as baseboards along the wood wall going down the middle of my basement like a baseboard. Now some part of me wonders...hmmm...how did I miss that? and obviously they were trying to cover something up.

I am just so sad and depressed about the whole thing. This was supposed to go so nice...so easy. Be perfect for my family, where they could have their own space, and I would have a job and an office to go to every day.

Now that seems like it is months away, and who knows if we will even win anything on the lawsuit. Considering we only had inspected the plumbing, the electrical, and the roof. We should have known better....we should have known better.

Anyone know a good attorney???

Walking down the Aisle

2006-07-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

Want to know what I LOVE about being the Mom to 4 girls. The looks that I get from people when we walk in just about anywhere. Today, for the first time in a LONG time (like Erin's First Communion long time), we went to church. I felt it was time we found a church in our new town that we liked and to start getting that influence back in our lives. We need that positive reinforcement and purpose to our life. Fortunately DH agrees, as long as he doesn't have to get up too early in the morning.

So today, as we all slept in until 8 am...OMG what a treat that was!... and then got ready to go to 10:30 mass. And as we walked into the church we had never been to before, we walked...DH leading, 4 girls next in order of Age...Erin, Elise, Erica and lastly Emeri holding my hand. And I just watched the peoples faces as we passed their pews. They were smiling. I could just see that look on their faces. The one that says either.. "WOW 4 Girls! They sure have their hands full, and I feel sorry for the dad (in a chuckling fun sort of way)" or it says... "WOW 4 Girls, they sure are beautiful. What a lovely family. How lucky they are".

I couldn't agree more. But I love seeing that look on peoples faces. I wonder if people who have 4 children with a mix of boys and girls get that same reaction? Or is it just because it is fairly rare to have all 4 of one gender? Hmmm... I might have to get my statistics math going here...what is the possibility of having all 4 girls?

So on that note, we had a good day. They all behaved well in church, and I was able to actually sit and listen to the homily. That hasn't happened in oh....about 8 years. Emeri sat beside me and ate her oyster crackers and raisins, and Erica sat and looked at a hymnal. The older two are old enough they had better behave in church. LOL Erin was excited as that was the first time she received communion other than AT her first communion.

Now we are trying the impossible task of getting the littles down for nap. And I am supposidly working on my e-bay store and online store.

http://www.pazs-little-bitz.com

I have gotten way far behind on inventory in the store, and both my major suppliers have just gotten lots of new stock in. I have to try to organize my catagories today though.

Today...is good. :)

Hmmm.... maybe I'll get good at this yet.

2006-07-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

Posting that is. Actually sitting down and journalling things. Don't get your hopes up too soon! LOL

Today was an OK day. DH made an appointment for a bariatric surgery screening. I am hoping he can get in and maybe possibly get it done before the end of the summer. It is supposidly a long road to healing, but I don't want him to wait until next summer, as he will spend all school year miserable.

I wish I could go to the appointment with him. Darned daycare. LOL The other thing we don't know is how much all of this will cost. His insurance I would think would cover most of it.

I am hoping that if he gets some of that weight off he'll find some motivation. He is just so slow...at doing anything. Driving, walking, accomplishing things. It drives me batty. I am not a slow person by nature, although I couldn't run fast to save my life. LOL

I' m getting really tired, and so I'm just going to shut it down tonite. Hopefully I can sleep in tomorrow if the littles will allow it.

The great Money Pit

2006-07-06T19:47:00.000-07:00

Uhh...yeah, that would be my new house. The one I was SOOO excited to move into.

The basement at this time is really probably some major health hazard and we should not be occupying it's space. I have found out it probably more than likely has asbetos tile flooring, and I also have discovered a water seepage problem along with lots of rotten wood and mold.

Lovely...

I tore out cabinets and shelves in the basement, and they just fell apart, they were so rotton. There is no way to stop the leaking walls, (really it is just dampness for the most part, some minor seepage) without going the majorly expensive route of installing wall drains and a sump pump. Cha Ching...Cha Ching...you all heard that right??? All my money going into the drain. I have a specialist coming in on Monday to assess the damage. And I'm thinking really hard about going after the previous owners, as they did not disclose the water issue. However, the snag is, it wasn't an owner occupied home. It was occupied by the owner's son, so apperantly the disclosure clause is pretty much null and void anyway. And my inspector? Well, we didn't have the basement inspected for leaks. We inspected Plumbing, electrical, and roof. Not water in the basement. Note to self: next time you buy a house inspect the crap out if it even if it costs you a fifth child.

On top of the toilet in the 1/2 bath not flushing all the contents with every flush, or every two flushes, or even three flushes. Gross. I know. So now we need to replace the toilet.

I tackled replacing the dryer vent hose the other day. Not a big task normally unless you have a larger than normal size behind that won't fit behind the dryer, and a major fear of accidently causing a leak in the gas hose.

The Water Softner that I was so excited for...was broken. Not even plugged in. We had it serviced and hooked up, and I ended up with a river through my laundry room not even 12 ho urs later. Of course, we decide that we really want soft water, so we go ahead and do the "Hey Culligan Man" thing. Thank God for financing.

In the middle of all our house woes, our van breaks down. And it is too expensive to fix. So we have to get a new vehicle. But our credit sucks, so our interest rate sucks, and our payments are sky high.

E-bay lately has been a crap shoot, and I lost nearly $1K this month (june) on it. Money I didn't have to lose. I am going to have to consider redoing my return policy as it is killing me (anyone want a New BebeLove Double Jogger at a steal?), and I can't afford to pay my e-bay fees this month. So of course E-bay says, no pay ment, no selling, you know the circle. It is my first month of loss though in the entire time I have been doing it. I just need to find a way to pay those fees and get back on square one with that. I really enjoy doing it, and I do make money doing it. I just lost big in June, and on top of everything else it has been a pain.

I'm inserting a Primal Scream here.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

Ok, I'm going to stop complaining now. I just need to do a lot of venting. I have so much more on my mind and on my chest that needs to come off. I am just hording it all inside, as there isn't any one to talk to about it with, and I am about to explode. Being lonely sucks. I just thought how sad it was that I live in a house with 5 other people, and how lonely I am.

Alright off to try to figure out how to sell something at some point.

It's been almost a year

2006-07-04T05:54:00.000-07:00

It has almost been a year since I wrote in here. I'm feeling rather disconnected from the outside world lately, family, friends, etc. I just am feeling so much lately like that new "Invisible Mom" commercial. I can't even recall what product it is for now, but I watch that commercial and it just reflects so much in the way that I feel.

The invisible mom...things just get done by magic it seems. Well to everyone else anyway. The clothes put themselves away, the meals make themselves, the toilet mysteriously gets wiped clean of the day's germs and what not.

Some days I feel like I am the product of my own doing. I have let others walk all over me. I have let others put me into that invisible light. I have sort of made my own bed and now have to learn to live with it or figure out how to change the sheets without disrupting the whole decor of the bedroom. Why does that seem so overwhelming? Why do I think and feel that those attempts will only be in vain and lead to more frustration and disappointment?

On to more pleasant topics for all of you...(if anyone is in fact reading or if this too will be the invisible blog).

Erin is doing Summer swim team with the Y this summer. I am so thrilled and excited for her, as she seems to have found a passion that can revolve around something that is age appropriate. Oh she is passionate about almost everything educational/animal related, but somehow that just doesnt' convert very well to being a socially adjusted 8 year old. But swim team does. I see her smiling more. I see her coping with diversity and conflict better. I see her feeling better about herself than she has in the last several years. She tells me she wants to do it forever. ... if it will make her keep smiling...she can do it forever.

Elise is doing Summer Dance, and has made 3 dance teams. She is so talented when it comes to that and can never just walk in a straight line. Her feet are always dancing. Bad part is dance is SOOOO expensive. I have no idea how we will manage the dance fees, the costumes, the SHOES...OMG the shoes are attrociously expensive! Somehow I am sure we will manage, but man...I wish she would have found a more reasonably priced talent! LOL

Erica I am afraid is spoiled. She screams, unconsolably any time I leave the area. Any time I leave the house, or go somewhere without her, she screams. I'm tired of that...I want to get away.

Emeri is a little you know what. OMG I love that girl to death. She is so funny and happy and is just so full of life. She is talking a million miles an hour now, and is turning into quite the little girl as opposed to a baby. I'm ready for that though. I'm ready for her to be just a bit bigger. She is getting curly hair, and is doing her best to train me to run a marathon.

DH is investigating bariatric surgery. I am so glad. He is really not feeling well at all, and I am drained on trying to make him feel better. He was hoping to get it done by the end of the summer, but I don't see that happening. Still, the ball is rolling, I just hope it continues, and doesn't lose it's momentum.

Well, the monsters are stirring upstairs, and calling for Mom. I can't figure out why they can't call for Dad some morning...

Just a weekly update tonite

2005-07-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

Just some boring stuff about our family and the goings on in a houseful of girls. LOL

It has been a crazy, busy, hot week. Can I say I can NOT WAIT for DH to go back to work? I guess this is what I would call a downfall of being a teacher. He has all summer to sit around and be lazy. I am really frustrated/disappointed in him with regards to his summer employment. This was supposed to be our time to get caught up on things. To pay off a bunch of the "past dues" we have from our move up here, and my lack of employment. He tells me he applied "everywhere" for a summer job and there wasn't anything out there. Yeah right buddy...I know your time frame on things, and there was no way you pounded the pavement looking for something. He did have a summer school class he taught for 3 hours in the morning 4 days a week for the month of June. He did nothing else the rest of the time. Then he had the promise that the end of June would start "detassling" of corn for a pretty good wage, and that it would last up until school started. Darn it all, if it didn't start until after the 15th of JULY! And is over after just 8 days of work. And he has NOTHING else lined up to bring in extra income to pay things off. Then he gives me the lame guilt trip of "I am doing my best, don't you think I'm doing my best?" "What else do you want me to do?" and then when I am honest with him about the answers he gets all bent out of shape that he is just a horrible no good person. UUUGHH! I can't win with him.

Daycare is going fine. I have had 2 days without Mr. Whiney Won't Eat My Lunch Unless You Spoon Feed Me pants (AKA Mr. WWEMLUYSPMP) for two days and I have to say that is heaven. I need to find an out for him...he doesn't belong here, I can't give him the care he needs. I just don't like the kid. That really hurts for me to say, because I think anyway that I am pretty tolerant and accepting and loving of pretty much all children, I guess not this one though. Now to get beyond my fear of confrontation and get him out of here. I have been in such a better mood, the overall mood and atmosphere with the other kids is so much better, and I am happier. I know, I should be ashamed of myself for feeling like this.

The girls are good. E1 was devistated as she has plans to write and animate the Spirit II movie, and inquired to Bryan Adams to sing in her movie. She was in tears when an assistant from the fan club wrote back and said he is a very busy man and would not be able to sing in her movie. E2 got her Kindy Shots today, and DH said she nearly fainted when they got there and another little girl came out with her 3 bandaids. She is so excited for school. E3 is finally sleeping upstairs in her bed tonite. THANK GOODNESS! I hope she sleeps better up there instead of down here. I think she will. E4 is talking and has a new name. We decided we erred when we named her and she should have been named "Onery" instead of "Emeri". She climbs on everything, is very quick, and just quite a little stink pot. She loves to walk by herself with the little tikes shopping cart these days. I finally lowered the matteress upstairs, and hopefully if we can ever afford to install an airconditioner up there, we will try once more to move her up. Despite the fact she still gets up 2 times a night.

I am about 196 pages into my HP - the HBP. WOW! I am so excited to finish reading it, and am kicking myself for not re-reading the others before this came out. I am also in search of wholesalers to do this e-bay store. I did find one, but I'm not satisfied that they are where I need to be yet. I'd like to focus exclusively on children's/family items, but haven't found the source for that yet. But I'm still looking.

Off to bed for me...I get to sleep in tomorrow, to at least 6 am. Let's hope E4 agrees that I need the rest!

Stand Up, Say your Name

2005-07-19T04:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, she isn't saying her name quite yet, but who gave my baby permission to grow up? Her new trick these last 2 days have been trying to stand on her own, and she has been successful. She'll crawl over to whatever item it is she wants to pull herself up on (generally a toy about knee high on her), and she'll get herself into the football style standing position...you know, the kind that her knees are bent over the top of her feet, her little but sticking out, and both hands in the air for balance. Actually Mike would probably more say she is in line to excel as a defensive basketball player. She can now stand for at least 10 seconds at a time before she realizes what she has done, and she sits back down.

And yesterday, a daycare mom was outside with us and getting ready to leave. I told all the kids, "Say bye to Lexie and Julie", and Emeri pops up from the mounds of bicycles and ride-ons we have and wiggles her little hand and proudly shouts "BYE".

STOP!!!!! STOP!!!! STOP!!!!

It was just all too much for me, and I'm sure Julie thought I was nuts, as tears started to roll out of my eyes. The good thing is I still don't feel the longing for another baby. I still feel completely done, but I am not ready to let my last baby reach all of these grown up milestones.

It is so weird, that when they are infants, I have always cried when they have mastered a major milestone (primarily the walking one- I have a tough time with that), and I have a very difficult time with the 3rd birthday. But after that, I tend to feel joy and happiness at the new skills and milestones they reach. What is it about that? Once they turn 3 the milestones are less traumatic? As a Mother, I've just resigned myself to the fact that they are big kids now? Or is it that the major milestones that I will cry at become instead, HS graduation, Weddings, etc. It certainly isn't when they go to the first day of school. I can't wait for that day... only 34 more days to go here!

Granny Panties

2005-07-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

Erin has her first pair of Granny Panties. Literally. It brought us all a good laugh today! They spent the weekend at Grandma's house, and like all good Grandma's, they all came home with clean laundry. After swimming today, Elise and A (daycare girl) were giggling because they thought Erin was wearing my panties...they were pretty big on her. Although I could only hope to someday have underwear small like my mother in laws. Yep, after some investigating on the size tag, turns out Erin came home with a pair of Grandma's Undies!

Sittin' on a Fence Post

2005-07-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

Chewing my Bubble Gum, playin' with my Choo Choo...Whooo Whoo!

Oh, trains trains trains! Erica is starting to love trains. She got such a giggle out of picking up M and E1 & 2 from the train station today. I love her enthusiasm for the simple things. She is really turning into a little girl. Her language development never ceases to amaze me...things these days are "I'm Serious Mom", "I know Mom", "I'm coming, JUST - A - MINUTE", and "Don't drop that, It's Very very impotant". She is such a little sponge.

It was very quiet here this weekend. With M and the older 2 being gone. I am just wondering though... now that they are back, how can it be, that I live in a house with 5 other people, yet I am so lonely? The good news is I guess M said that he really listened at the wedding he went to, and it really made him reflect on our marriage and what he needs to do to help us heal. I want my best friend back, and we have talked about it tons of times, how I don't really feel like he is a friend anymore, let alone my best friend. I know it takes 2 to make it work, and I need to do my part, but honestly, he'll have his work cut out for him. It was so much easier to build walls of stone around my heart to keep from hurting than to leave it out in the open forever....

It's been awhile

2005-07-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, a long while since I've written in this blog. I've debated from time to time about sitting down and doing it, it's just I have this nasty habit of letting the dishes, laundry, dirty bathrooms, and unmade beds getting priority #1 over talking and expressing my thoughts and feelings. Then I end up feeling all pissy because I feel like I've bottled everything inside, no one is listening nor do they give a damn, even though I KNOW that isn't the case. How can they give a flippen rats you know what if I don't tell them what is up?

Life has been on fast forward these days. Running a daycare is a lot more involved than I thought it would be. It isn't just letting the kids play at free will, as that either ends up in some sort of summo wrestling match or a living room knee deep in Legos, Little People, various other blocks, barbies and matchbox cars. I am full right now, but will have two openings come this fall. I need to start advertising now, so that I am not caught with loss of income come August 23rd.

But daycare has me lost. I am so sad and lonely these days, which I am sure doesn't help my mood much in dealing with the kids. And I'm not even sure it is that I am staying home to take care of them that has me down in the dumps. As a matter of fact, I KNOW it isn't. It is our stupid financial situation that isn't getting better, despite that I am now providing a fairly decent income for our family. I just don't get where the hole in our finances is, and why on earth can I not get us caught back up.

Actually, I make some stupid decision like to pay our bills before I receive my food reimbursement for daycare from the state, then the state decides because it is fiscal year end, to hold the checks until June 30th, instead of mailing them on the 23rd. Then I end up having returned checks to all of our middle of the month bills. Cha Ching...there goes a $25 NSF fee to each of those. Then I have returned checks to the $200 store (AKA Walmart) for our weekly groceries and household supplies. Cha Ching...another $25 for each of those. Now, all those checks ran through once, and the merchants decide...hey, let's run it through again the next day to see if it is there...Cha Ching...another $25 for those (making each check that was written a total of $50 in bank overdraft charges). Now, add the $25 fee each of those merchants adds on their end to the check for me sending them a bad check. Well, now you can see, there has gone my rent money and the car payment. CRAP. What the hell am I gonna do? All because I "thought" I was doing well to get the bills paid on time, because that check would be to the bank by Monday. Stupid me.

I just hate the whole money game. Hate hate hate it. I'm so tired of living trying to beat the bank, and it is ruining my whole mood. I even bought the dave ramsey book everyone has raved to me about. Want to know where it is sitting? ON my bedside table, I read a grand total of 15 pages, before I was so depressed about our situation, and I couldn't read any more. I feel like a complete idiot. I have a business admin. degree for pete's sake, why the hell can't I keep our checkbook balanced???

So add the money game to my issues with my loving husband. Who bless his heart thinks he is doing the best he can do, but really it isn't amounting to squat. I love the man, but his weight (at I am sure close to 400 lbs.) is affecting his ablility to move, to function in the everyday world. He can barely bend over to put his shoes on these days, but I can't convince him to do something about it. I don't know what else to do. But he is just getting bigger and bigger and bigger. He thinks he is losing. He thinks he is doing a good job of trying to lose weight. But he doesn't follow any program. He doesn't want to read or listen about nutrition. He asks me if something is good for him, and then pouts when I tell him he shouldn't be eating such and such. I don't know what to do for him. I just don't.

Maybe I'll try to keep this up. I feel very isolated and withdrawn these days. I feel like no one really cares about what is really going on with me. I just feel so all all alone....

Just another Manic Monday

2005-04-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

But...Ahh...Silence! I have my house back! I really think I would like to be a hermit someday. I like the solitude of just hearing nothing. Right now all the girls are sleeping (well the 3 I have at home now - including my little daycare girl) and all I hear are the bubbles from the fish tank, the occasional car driving buy and birds chirping gleefully in the newfound warmth.

I remember when I used to relish the weekends. I used to dream away Monday -Thursday because I couldn't WAIT for the weekend to begin. Now, I wish the weekend away, and can't wait for Monday! LOL Weird huh?

All is OK for right now in the Paz household. DH is having health issues as always (nothing serious I'm fairly certain). He has vowed to me he intends to lose the weight as he is sick of feeling like crap all the time. I will believe it when I see it. He is a very large man (looming on 400 lbs) and just lacks the will power I think to lose the weight. I can't say I can fault him, as I don't have the will power to lose mine either, but I do try to be as healthy as I can. Anyway, I wish him all the luck in getting it off. I have just quit fighting that battle with him. I'll be here to support him 100% but I refuse to nag and remind him of what he is supposed to be doing.

The girls are all good, and finally getting healthy. Erin amazes me with her reading ability. She is reading chapter books now and is so creative. We had some girl time this weekend, and she tried on clothes and afterwards, hung them back on the hangers. (I seriously need some chin dropping emoticons here). It proves to me she is growing up and capable of doing just about anything. I do look forward to the day when she'll like to shop all the time with me.

Elise is in a very annoying stage. I remember going through it with Erin too, at about the same age. I just didn't like her very much at that stage, and that is where Elise is now. OH, I love them very much, but liking them somedays is difficult. LOL She is whiney and for lack of a better word just a bitch. She has it down pat. I just hope she outgrows it.

Erica...ahhh...my sweet Erica. She is loving the Wiggles these days, and dancing to all their songs. She has most of the choreography down to alot of the songs, and wanted me to make her a tail for their horse song. I did out of yarn, and she just loved it. Her vocabulary increases daily and she is really liking having the daycare kids coming. She is such a social being that she needs that interaction.

Emeri is now 7 months old. Wow, the time has flown. I am surprised she isn't crawling yet, although she can move/scoot herself forward if she wants to. She has been doing that for a couple of weeks. But in the meantime, she usually rolls to wherever it is she wants to go. She has a huge ole' belly laugh and loves to laugh at almost everything in sight, and loves to grab fistfulls of hair and pull as hard as she can. She really is a fun baby and I am not looking forward to her outgrowing that stage.

Me...well, there is me. I am going to go get some chocolate now that the kids are asleep. I think I'm going to go apply for a part time job tonite at the YMCA. I worked for many years at the YMCA, and professionally for 5 years. It will be interesting to see if I can keep my mouth shut as a measly part-timer making minimum wage when I know so much more. But we need the income, and I know it is fairly brainless work. :)

OK...off to my chocolate!

I don't get it

2005-04-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

I don't get all the people who are devastated by the passing (or soon to be passing) of the Pope. I honestly don't know if he has passed yet, as my TV has been set to the Wiggles all morning. Anyway, I guess I have never been one to get really engrossed in famous peoples lives...the weddings, the boyfriends, the babies, the deaths, you name it. I just don't care.

Yeah, the Pope is a good guy. Yeah, he has done great things. Yeah, he lead a fabulous life and helped many people, and was instrumental in so many world events. But you know what, I don't feel like spending my day in tears because he has passed. I felt the same when Ronald Reagan died. Same thing for Princess Diana. Yes, it is sad for the family, but they are family for crying out loud. They are SUPPOSED to be sad. Yes, I cried when Nancy hugged his casket, but not because I was sad for his death, but because I could imagine how bad it hurt to say goodbye to her soul mate, I imagined how on Earth I would ever say goodbye to Mike.

So I don't get why millions of people are in tears over the passing of this man. The ones that say their lives will never be the same. The ones who are DEVASTED by his leaving this Earth. Come 'on people, it isn't like he sat at your dinner table for a meal or was your best friend. I think it is OK to feel a bit sad that he is gone, but way over the top to be in tears, or to have a black cloud hanging over your head today, unless he really was a personal friend or family member.

My husband is one of those people who hasn't stopped crying all day today. It is driving me nuts. I guess I must just be insensitive.

I want my Mommy

2005-03-28T19:21:00.000-08:00

I just want her. I want to feel safe in her arms. I want her to rub my hair, and tell me I'm doing just fine, and that everything will work out the way it was meant to be. I want to be little, and sit on her lap, and hear her sweet voice singing me to sleep.

As I sit and rock and sing to Emeri, I go back in time. Think of my Mom, and how she smells. And am in awe of how she did all she did. I am fortunate, my Mom is still alive, and I can call her at the drop of a hat. But she lives 1200 miles away, and I haven't seen her for 2 years, Since Erica was just a newborn.

Mom would know how to make me feel better. I love how she says my name, and how she looks at me. I feel it. I feel her. I want my Mommy.

Just words

2005-03-22T17:45:00.000-08:00

Sad

Blessed

Angy

Lonely

Guilty

Worried

Frustrated

Not worthy

Self esteem...where does it begin? Why does it have to be so hard? All my life I have struggled with self esteem issues. My dad is an alcoholic. I don't think many people know that. I didn't really know it myself until I was in the 7th grade and was old enough to finally see the signs. He would drink Whiskey after work. He would go to the Knights of Columbus and commiserate with his friends.

It was so hard growing up sometimes, just wanting to be the best I could be. I could never measure up. My older brother was smart, good looking, athletic. He was the oldest, and Dad never let his affections for Rich be unknown. Why couldn't I be more like my brother?

I tried to be different from him on purpose. Oh I love my brother dearly, we looked out for each other and when my Dad's wrath would come down on one of us for not having everything exactly in order, or for whining a bit too much, or not moving fast enough, we would comfort each other. Mom has pictures of us comforting one another. But I didn't study on purpose, I didn't want straight A's like him, I didn't want to be in honors classes like him. I joined band, because I couldn't run like Rich. I couldn't compete with anything in athleticism. I was the fat kid.

Thump, Thump, Thump... Careful Sara, don't use these stairs your so fat you might break them. Taunts from fellow students all through school.

On top of that, as I entered high school, I was the peacemaker in our family. As Dad grew more and more into the darkness of alcohol, and Mom tried the best she could to keep our family afloat and for us kids to not realize what was all going on. They would fight, I would go to Mom after a fight and sit in her lap and tell her I loved her. That she was doing the right thing. Then I would go to Dad, and he would be crying because he knew his words hurt Mom, or us kids (who Mom was usually defending). He would say how he just wanted to be loved and for us to want him around. I would then spend hours soothing his hurt feelings and reassuring him we loved him and that we knew he could be the Dad he wanted to be. Then I would follow to the siblings...there were 6 of us in all. Feelings needed to be healed, tears needed to be dried. I did it. I dried them, I slept in their beds til they fell asleep.

My peacemaker tendancies continue today. I don't rock the boat. I keep silent about my inner most thoughts, feelings, and ideas. They might hurt someone's feelings, and I can't have that. I can't knowingly hurt someone. It would break me.

My self esteem has always suffered. I was never good enough. I was always too fat. I always felt people talked about me behind my back, and didn't like me. That I was a geek. That I was annoying. It is still that way today. I struggle with how the world and others perceive me. I wish I didn't care so much about what others thought. That I could have the backbone to stand up for myself, and shout to the world, you don't like, me? I don't give a flying f***k ...who cares! But I can't. I struggle everyday with acceptance, and trying to make peace with everyone around me.

But the need and the urgency to have someone take care of me is wearing on me. I am needing someone to pick up pieces of me, and hold me together. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of holding everything together, I'm tired of making sure everyone is happy and healthy and that their needs are met often at the cost of mine.
But to get someone to take care of me means rocking the boat...and then I'm right back there where I started...I can't hurt someone to make them take care of me. Is it wrong to not want to take care of myself right now? Is it wrong to want someone else to be able to make the decisions for me? For just a few days?

2005-03-21T19:18:00.000-08:00

My Sweet two toed girl....Erica Celine

Two Toes...Big toe and little toe

2005-03-21T10:54:00.000-08:00

I just lovfe my little Erica...what a joy she is. I know that my relationship with her is so different because I know what a miracle she is. She came to me in a very dark time, when I didn't understand alot of why things were the way they were. She is my first PAL baby.

She never ceases to put a smile on my face. She has a great sense of humor and was in rare form yesterday. Her new skill is being able to count to 9. We work on counting various things, and she is able to go up to 9 all by herself. And in case you didn't know, 15 comes after 9. LOL I asked her last night how many toes she had, and she replied to me... two. I told her she had more than two toes and asked again for her to count her toes for me. She said again two, and then she grinned and said "Big toe and Little toe".

And when asked what she wanted for dinner she wanted yellow pizza, and for a drink she she wanted Macaroni.

In the face of all my issues of late, she is my shining light, my bright point in the day.

It's true what they say

2005-03-20T07:11:00.000-08:00

That men need sex to feel close in a relationship. Poor Dh had been so neglected for so long. The times we have sex are few and far between. He gets shot down way more often than he has success with getting me to cooperate. Thus our marriage has been strained the last several months...really since before Emeri was born. Well, I initiated for the first time in a long time a couple of nights ago...seriously, probably the first time I've initiated in well over a year. Now DH has just changed his response to me. I can see it. I can feel it. I just need to remember that it takes two to make a happy marriage, and I am responsible for doing my part too.

We are going today to get Emeri's 6 month portraits today. I hope they turn out well. She is so fun, I hope we can get that to come out in the pictures.

I also get the joy on finding something to help support/hide my budding pre-teen (at all of age 7). Erin is starting to develop now. UUughhh... I don't know if I am ready for this. I really feel for her, and I am wondering and trying to think back as to when I developed. I honestly don't remember. I think that I got my first bra in the 4th grade. I'll have to try to remember to ask my mom what she remembers. Erin of course is THRILLED that she is growing boobies as we call them here. She thinks it's great. I can only hope her goody two shoes tendancies continue through High School.

OK, I need to go get a nakey two year old dressed.

Life's little blessings

2005-03-19T08:13:00.000-08:00

Life has a funny way of working out. I just posted about our overdrawn checking accounts, and guess what DH got a week early? A paycheck! The kids are all out on spring break next week, and thus so is DH. So the school gave everyone their checks early. Thank goodness for little blessings. Now to try to stretch it for 3 weeks, on top of making up for the deficit we had plus the NSF fees. Never ending battle I tell you.

I'm so frustrated with our house selling situation. I am fighting tooth and nail with our mortgage company to accept a shortsale. They say it can take 30-60 days for a decision, we have been at this since OCTOBER 2004. We send them all the paperwork, they don't make a decision, send us a letter saying they need updated information because the other information is more than 30 days old, which then that starts us back at square one on the 30-60 day mark. It is a nightmare. Our buyers want to close on the 31st of this month. It doesn't seem like Wells Fargo will get that done in time. It also is up in the air whether they will even accept our offer anyway... they will lose about $10K on it.

I hate them. Granted we are the ones that did it to ourselves and we are responsible for this mess, but would it be too much to ask to have them help us out, or to be kind and understanding in the process. I understand they have a zillion customers who are doing this just to take the easy way out, and take advantage of the system. But we really need this. We don't like asking for it, we wish we didn' t have to, but if we ever want a better life for ourselves and our children, we don't have any choice.

I just want this nightmare over....

Under Control or maybe not...

2005-03-17T11:40:00.000-08:00

Obviously I've been neglecting my blogging responsibilities of late. Life it seems has been on fast forward. On March 4th, we introduced our 3rd Angel to Heaven. I haven't posted much about it, or been able to talk much about it. I feel like such an awful Mother to even be saying this, but in a sense I am relieved. How sick is that? Don't get me wrong, I loved my baby with all my heart, and I was thrilled at the possibility of a new little baby to love, but I was also feeling very overwhelmed with all the responsibility that goes along with that, and questioning not only my ability to handle them, but my Husbands as well. Then there is the responsibility I have to my other 4 children, and being able to provide for them, and to give them the best that I can. I worried that adding another sibling to the mix would have made it near impossible for me to do that.

Oh I know there are Mom's out there who have 5+ children, who do it all. They are my hero's. But when we are currently living on one measly first year teacher income that the state of Illinois classifies as being below poverty, and we are relying on public assistance for our daily existance, I just really struggled with bringing a new life to our family. It sounds incredibly insensitive, and cold, and harsh...to be coming from my mouth, but it is the truth on how I feel. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way. I will always love and miss our little miracle...

On another front, I am finally feeling in control of our life here. Things are finally happening. I am finally licensed to provide Home Daycare. I have one little part time boy, and am interviewing for two more kids this afternoon. I know this will happen, it is just taking longer than I thought. I think things will turn soon, and that is good.

I have a good handle on our living conditions, and it isn't so overwhelming to take care of this house anymore. I have time to play with my children, and to sit and relax without feeling too terribly guilty that I am not working or accomplishing much.

However, our checkbook is in dire straights. We have two checking accounts that are currently overdrawn, and payday is over a week away. I need to figure this one out and not quite sure how to do it. It is a never ending battle with finances...too many unpaid bills, an overdrawn checking account, and a total lack of income. I have high hopes that when I start to have income coming in, things will get better, but I honestly think the problem is deeper than that. I have never been very responsible with money...never. I have begged DH to take over the finances as when he is in control of them, he is rather good at it, however, he gets lazy and things don't get paid on time or I get frustrated because it never fails that every month I have to verbally remind him of what gets paid, despite that I have written everything out for him. Something needs to change...I need to ask Suzi about that book she recommended on Finances....I think I need to read that. I'm tired of living like this.

OH...and the sun is out, finally, temperatures are above freezing. I can't wait til we can go outside to play.

Shock is wearing off

2005-02-27T10:33:00.000-08:00

It is finally starting to settle a little bit. The thoughts of being a Mom to 5. Wow! I never thought I would have 5 kids. Of course, the worries never leave my mind that maybe I'll still just have 4...that something will go wrong. I'm trying to stay positive and not focus on that, but having tube issues, weighs heavy on my mind.

Our weekend has been busy, and that is good. Has helped to keep me grounded and down to earth. I thank heaven for DH who is really helping me with getting ready for the daycare. I needed stuff cleaned up in the yard, there was all sorts of debri large piles of sticks and limbs in the back near where we park. DH went ahead and burned all of that wood and leaves (a bonus of a small town still being able to burn your yard waste), and he cleaned everything up from the edges of the house. It looks so much better. He is tackling the basement and the laundry room this afternoon for me. We won't use the basement for the kids, but it needs to be accessible should we need to go down there for tornado's etc.

Emeri is growing up...*sniff* I discovered two bottom teeth poked through yesterday and this morning she started scootching to the things she wanted, she isn't rolling there anymore.

I need to call my DCFS worker tomorrow, find out about getting my home visit set. Hopefully, I can be licensed in the next two weeks at the longest! That would be so awesome!

OK, kids are waking up, I need to go, but I had neglected this for some time. I need to find time to tell DH our news tonite, opportunity just hasn't allowed for it yet. He is going to flip!

Wowzers

2005-02-25T06:25:00.000-08:00

Wow.. Wow... Wow.... It is all I can say. LOL I have been gone for a few days, finding it hard to find the time or the solitude to post my thoughts and feelings. I am feeling better now that I am back on my medicine for a few days..well, actually 4, but who's counting? LOL

I've been feeling a bit off for the last few days. Lightheaded if I don't eat, Sick to my stomache, my bbs are tingly. I figured at first it was I just wasn't taking care of myself. I had my tubes tied after Emeri was born. I feel very done with our family. Well it seems that My OB is going to have some explaining to do. After my last few days I thought, oh what the heck, I'll test and I'll get these crazy thoughts out of my head. Surely it can't be, and I am just off for some other reason.

This morning, I had two lines. The test line was fairly decent, so I must be about 13-14dpo? My last AF was Feb. 7th, which means I had to O early. That isn't uncommon for me, especially since AF was the first since I stopped nursing Emeri and it was very light, 2 days of basic spotting.

I am in shock. Total and utter disbelief. I am obviously excited, I will always face a new pregnancy with the happiness and excitement it deserves. But I'm also very nervous and scared of the issues this will bring. I'm in major disbelief right now too.. I mean, this wasn't supposed to happen. We will love this new child with all our heart, and for the miracle she/he is (let's face it my chances of getting a boy are slim to none! LOL)

For those reading my blog from the boards, please respect my decision not to post this just yet. I had to type it out somewhere to get it off my chest, but I just don't think the board is the right place for this at this time.

Wowzers...

Maybe my first sweetpea?

2005-02-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, well I have four of my own sweetpea's, but I got a phone call yesterday from a lady looking for daycare for her 3 year old, and she is coming to visit us tomorrow! YAY! I hope it works well. It is not a perfect situation, as there are some custody issues involved, and while I would like to just not deal with that, unfortunately, I think that is just the way it is for many many children. How sad...huh? This little girl lives one week with her Mom, one week with her Dad, and they are fighting over full custody. We'll see how the visit goes.

I'm still just thinking. My mind isn't working right these days...No not in the normal sense of insanity that sleep deprivation and motherhood just brings you, but feelings and thoughts that I'm just not thrilled to be having. I need to get back on my meds...I'm going to go take one as soon as I am done posting. I was hoping the Post Partum bug would just leave as unexpectedly as she arrived, but no such luck. I'm angry, bitter, upset, frustrated, overwhelmed, lonely, oh...so many more emotions. But the thing is, there isn't one thing I can point to that is making me feel this way. I have no fricken clue who or what I am angry at. I have no idea why I am feeling frustrated or overwhelmed. I just think it is this stupid PPD stuff. Need to take my medicine. Must remember to take my medicine. (Remembering to take my medicine is why the pill just wasn't a good idea for us as far as birth control goes...LOL)

I'm going to take my medicine and then go to bed. I have a mongo cold sore that has developed on my lip. I'll need to cancel the dentist for Wednesday I think. We'll see how it is tomorrow. I also saw a foot dr. today. I have two very nice size Heel spurs. One on each foot. Orthotics here we come. I am NOT looking forward to that... But I want my feet to feel better.

Ok...time to get off this depressing post. Maybe tomorrow will bring good news!

Peek a Boo...I see you...

2005-02-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

No really, that popular baby game that brings squeals of delight to my 5 month old is bringing me down. As she giggles, I wonder to myself if I see myself...anywhere? I often think that I have been gone for a long time. I don't like myself for letting that go. I rarely do things that are fun for just me. Oh come on, who am I kidding, I NEVER do anything that is fun for just me.

I can't tell you the last time that I have felt like I have really enjoyed who I am, or who I've become. I'm not talking about wife, mother, etc. I'm talking about the things that really make Sara. I can't even fill out the "Hobby" or "Interest" post of this blog, because let's face it, I have none.

Everything I do now, I do because I HAVE to do it. It doesn't mean I don't have fun doing some of the other things in my life, I just used to have interests, desires, and dreams. Now either my dreams have come true (being a wife and a mother) or they have long gone by the wayside for meeting the needs of others.

I thought today about my funeral. Not that I plan on dying anytime soon, but I was just thinking, what would people say at my funeral about me? What would the pictures detect? Right now they would detect a frumpy housewife mother, who has bags under her eyes, stained clothing, who loves her children beyond measure. But I want my life to mean more than that.

I also wondered who would be there. It is a pretty sad commentary on my life to think that truly, the only ones that would be there would most likely be related to me somehow. I have formed very few meaningful relationships outside of blood/marriage lines. I don't know that I know how to make friends anymore. I find myself awkward and shy. Any relationships I do have are strained, mostly because I feel like I can't give all I need to give to the friendship as the needs of the family come first.

I used to play the piano. I don't think I could now except for maybe Mary Had a Little Lamb. I used to love to listen to Christian Rock music and could tell you the hot spots in what was in with that. I used to love to work out, take walks late at night in the crisp air. I want to regain some of who I was...or to find out who I still can be. I don't necessarily want to go back to who I was, I just want to have some semblance of a self..of a me. Whoever that might be.

What a Day, February 19, 2005

2005-02-19T19:43:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a stab at this whole blogging thing too. Maybe a good outlet for all these thoughts that stay in my head all day because children under the age of 6 just don't have appreciation for them.

To start out, I'm Sara. I am 31 and married to my dear husband Mike. He is a school teacher and basketball coach. We have been together 10 full years and 3 days :) (Our first date was Feb. 16, 1995). I stay at home with my 4 girls, Erin, Elise, Erica and Emeri. I'll have to get pictures up of them sometime here soon when I get things figured out. I am in the process of opening a licensed daycare, and am almost through the licensing process. I hope to have some daycare kids soon.

Today was a day. I am quite grumpy for it too. I had planned to take today and take Erica with me to a near by town to get a picnic table for the daycare kids to eat lunch at, and to make a stop at Old Navy. We were also going to get her 2 year pictures taken, as I haven't had them taken since she was 9 months old.

Well, Mike decided to get a bee in his bonnet that he wanted to get out of dodge too, and so he drove his car up to the same town and we rondevouzed at the mall. Normally this would be a good thing, but I was looking forward to some quite time, where I could just browze clearance racks and go where I wanted when I wanted and not have to worry about everyone else's needs for a day. Having just Erica with me would have been such a breeze.

Instead, Erin and Emeri and I headed up early, we hit Old Navy, got the proverbial St. Patrick's Day Old Navy Shirts and a few clearance things for Emeri. It is the first I've done the holiday thing for the girls, as we never lived close enough to an Old Navy to do anything like that and I just didn't get it. Anyway... we also went to Target, I picked out a little outfit for Erica to wear for her pictures and then we met Mike and the other girls at the mall.

In the process of trying to get to the food court to meet Mike, we stopped at a store where I had fallen in love with some sundresses for the girls. They would all be matching for Easter. But unfortunately, even the biggest sizes, just did not look flattering on Erin at all. I feel so badly for her...her body shape is just so weird, nothing ever fits properly. I hope that she will outgrow this someday. She works on watching what she eats etc., I just hate that at 6 she already has such a concious body image.

So anyway, the dresses didn't work. So that is still on my list of things to do, find coordinating Easter Dresses for 4 girls. Oye! Pictures were a disaster. We had a 3:40 appt. we got there at 3:30, and they didn't start Erica's pictures until 4:30...she did amazingly well for having had waited that long. I wish I could say the same for her mother. We went to dinner, and then I went to TRU to get that picnic table, only when I got it home I discovered it is missing a piece so I have to go BACK to the store tomorrow...it is an hour drive one way... GRRR!

All the kids are in bed now including Mike. I am trying to get the pain in my feet to go away so I can sleep. I have issues there I'll get into more later. I best sign off for the night. I have probably bored everyone silly...